Ban to be introduced to stop complaints

After years of receiving an “unprecedented and frankly exhausting” number of complaints from owners of terrified pets every November, A counciller has announced an extraordinary, high-level directive designed to end the chaos once and for all., confirming he would be implementing “drastic measurments” to silence the annual uproar.

In a morning press conference, Cllr. Lyndon Flapps, laid out the council’s reasoning.

“We looked at all the options and deided to Remove the creatures that are fundamentally incapable of coping with our cultural heritage.“

Flapps then stunned reporters with the conclusion: “The choice was clear. If there are no dogs to be scared, there can be no dog owners to complain. Therefore, effective immediately, dog ownership is to be banned across the county borough. We haven’t banned fireworks; we’ve simply cured the sensitivity to them. A bold piece of public health management, mind.”

The response was one of immediate, fiery disbelief. Mary Fringe from Blaenllechau, the owner of a traumatised Chihuahua named ‘Sparky’, was incandescent.

“It’s absolutley ridiculous really, they’re calling Sparky a ‘source of noise complaint phenomenon’? I’m the one complaining! Not him! I bet that bloody Flapps has never even owned a dog, let alone watched one shake itself into a state of catatonic dread every time the sky explodes.”

Council officials confirmed that a borough-wide collection operation, ‘Operation Silence,’ will begin tomorrow. Flapps noted the policy’s final benefit: “We estimate the immediate end to dog walking will save us thousands on pavement cleaning, and we won’t have to supply free poo bags anymore.”

The council urges all residents to hand over their pets quietly, reminding them that this policy is for the greater good of November’s peace and quiet.